50 Shades of Grey – A realistic Chester Version

If it was set in Chester…

Dave (full name David Grey) and Rose, had met in Bar Lounge a week ago through mutual friends.  Dave was a very rich banker.

50 shades of grey

Due to the fact that Dave had snorted more coke than the Israeli cartel could smuggle across the border in a week; and was also p!ssed as a proverbial fart from consuming overpriced cocktails with swish names; and that Rose was in an equally inebriated state owing to an OD of ketamine – they barely recollected their original meeting, although they were both quite sure they’d had sex, of some description. They also both clearly recollected Rose p!ssing herself, but both remained unsure as to whether this was a consequence of the ketamine or kinky sex.

They had arranged to meet up the following weekend for ‘drinks’.   Dave arranged to pick up Rose in his new BMW which he had bought on Hire Purchase to impress his associates at work. Dave was a little upset that he had to drive to the outskirts of Chester, and even had to ask a local chav (identified as a chav based on the fact he was wearing jeans not chinos) to find Rose’s house.

‘What a dump’ Dave thought as he waited outside Rose’s house for her to come out ‘This property can only be worth £150,000 maximum’. Rose came out of her house – Dave was immediately disappointed.

He remembered her as being a lot fitter from last week end, and in no way had suspected that all her FB selfies had been filtered or altered at all. Dave again started an inner narrative which was somewhat negative: ‘FFS!’ Dave thought ‘Now I have to go into Chester with this fat mess, who must be like a size 10, and Jesus Christ, what if I see somebody from work?

This will be such an embarrassment’ Despite his reservations, Dave eventually let Rose into his new car, after warning her several times that if she scratches it or marks it in anyway, she’ll ‘be in trouble’. It took 15 minutes to get back to the centre of chester, by which time Dave had told Rose in no uncertain terms that he was earning lots of money, was an assistant vice cock sucker/president at a local bank and was mates with Michael Owen and a friend of a friend of Wayne Rooney.  Rose, being thick as pig sh!t, was immediately impressed.

A lovely night of drinking and drug over-use ensued, with Dave making sure that Rose, despite her pitiful income (in relative terms) was paying at least half for everything.  Dave had that Chester-thing meaning that he insists on bragging about himself and his income as much as possible, but then complains constantly about having no money.

After checking in to several wine bars and public houses on FB, and uploading several beautiful pictures of wine glasses and an occasional selfie; Rose was drunk and courageous enough to tell Dave that he was in fact a massive bellend and that she’d like to brush his teeth with a brick.

Dave was so upset he went home and booked himself a holiday to the Maldives on his credit card.
Still upset the next day, he went to the gym and performed 10 sets of bicep curls in the squat rack.


About Drew

MMA, Fitness & Marketing enthusiast from North Wales, UK. A Stoic Hippy with no hair. Not to boast but - 1st Class Degree in Sports Science from Loughborough, MSc in Nutrition from the University of Liverpool. 20 years experience of weight & fitness training.
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